Selling Liberty: 10 Steps to Having a Better Conversation
The First step to Selling Liberty, Is learning to have meaningful conversations with others.
This is the second installment of the “Selling Liberty” Series, Check out the introduction
Having a Better Conversation
One of the hardest things we do in everyday life is simply having conversations. Sure we talk to plenty of people as we go about our business, but in the age of automation, that is becoming easier to avoid, and many of us go out of our way to use the self-checkout to avoid having to talk to another human being. Escaping conversations isn’t the true issue at hand, but rather our inability to have those conversations when we want to, never mind when we need to. Without the ability to have a conversation we can’t effectively communicate our ideas, and without that, our battle is lost. Many of us believe that this issue is not something we need to work on. We’ve worked outreach booths, done petition drives, canvased and door-knocked for candidates- surely we’ve become comfortable talking to people, right?
Well, that is just the problem. Talking to people is the skill of a teacher, not of a salesman. We aren’t doing these things just to check off the list and move on to the next task, if we’re going to grow the movement and succeed at our tasks, then we must first learn to stop talking to people, and start having conversations with them instead. What we’re going to discuss here is the ability to have a conversation, and some tips and tricks to make conversations better. These skills are not inherently specific to the nature of political activism, and I encourage people to put them into practice in their personal lives as well.
While Facebook, texting, and other technologies provide us immense opportunities to have impersonal communication, there is nothing more powerful than the face to face conversation as a tool to connect to someone. Whether that someone is a voter, a volunteer, or a friend or colleague, the importance of communicating your ideas, and listening to theirs is important. Building rapport and having these conversations is one of the fundamental cores of success in business and life. With these skills, you’ll be able to converse confidently and freely while maintaining control of the conversations you have.
Step 1: Stop Talking and Listen
The first step in improving your conversational skills is quite simply the easiest. Stop talking. While this may be the easiest to grasp, it may honestly be the hardest to put into practice. It is a very basic human instinct to want to control a conversation, and many of us fall into the trap of believing that if we are talking, then we are in control. When we are talking we aren’t listening, we may be controlling the flow of the conversation, but we have no idea of its impact. It is crucial that more than we talk, we listen, and not just hear, but listen.
Buddha said “A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.” This gets to the core of conversational skills. And think about it from a personal experience, we’ve all been in situations where we couldn’t get a word in edgewise, and felt unfulfilled by the conversations we were having. By speaking as little as possible, and actively and intently listening to those we speak to, we can have a more profound impact on the conversation when we do choose to speak.
Something that is often overlooked and forgotten when it comes to listening skills, is the reason why we are listening. We don’t want to get into the trap of listening with the intent of responding. We aren’t in this to simply win an argument. The reason we need to listen to those we converse with is to understand them. When we listen to understand we don’t just hear what they said, but why they think that. When we do respond, we can do so from a position of understanding and empathy, as opposed to combative debate tactics. Once we reach a level of understanding and can empathize with the points being made to us, we can craft a response that respects those feelings and encourages informed thought - which ultimately, is the goal of any conversation.
Step 2: Pay Attention, Fully
Everyone knows what it's like to try and talk to someone while they’re checking their texts and Facebook notifications on their phones. Multi-tasking not only distracts from the conversations at hand but in some cases, it is downright disrespectful. If you’re going to have a conversation with someone, have the conversation with them. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by everything else that’s not happening at that moment. Don’t worry, Facebook will be there when you’re done.
But it isn’t just our phones and electronics that distract us, to be honest, it’s our lives. When someone is speaking to you, not only put down the phone but focus on the person you are with, not on the argument you had with your boss. It doesn’t matter what you’re going to have for dinner, and it sure as hell doesn’t matter whether someone just liked your most recent Instagram post.
You’re engaged in a conversation for a reason, so commit to it, and be a part of it. Be present in the circumstance, and dedicate yourself to the task at hand. If you don’t want to be in that conversation, that’s ok, you can leave it. By all means, find an opportunity and leave the conversation, excuse yourself for something that’s inherently more important. But definitely, do not be half there. Engaging in a conversation is a task in and of itself.
We have all been guilty of this, myself included. But give it a try and you’ll realize how much more you’ll enjoy the people you have conversations with when you allow yourself to fully listen to them, without the distractions and mindless scrolling through your news feed. Because a conversation at its heart requires more than just giving someone your attention, but giving them your undivided attention, and participating fully.
Step 3: Don’t Preach
A conversation isn’t the place for your soliloquy. Another of the most common mistakes made when having a conversation is the tendency to pontificate endlessly without any opportunity for interjection. Worse even than not being listened to, is being talked at. Lecturing someone is not having a conversation, but rather reinforcing your desire to hear yourself talk.
Sometimes we need to vent, sometimes there’s something you just need to get off your chest, and you don’t quite care what the other person has to say about it. In that case, let's not confuse ourselves into believing that we’re having a conversation because we are far from it. There’s nothing inherently wrong with utilizing this style of communication, so long as it’s not our primary conversational style. Preaching is generally hostile and combative, regardless of the intent of the speaker.
No one wants to be spoken to and preached to without the possibility of coming to healthy points and exchanges of ideas. Sometimes we need to set aside our personal opinions to enter each conversation assuming that we have something to learn. We should expect to give opportunities for push back in responses and arguments, or else we stifle the ability of the conversation to teach us anything and limit our own ability to grow. If those aren’t things you can accept, then don’t have a conversation about it, go and write a blog instead.
Step 4: Ask the Right Questions
How many times have you been working an outreach booth, knocking on doors while canvassing, or tried talking to customers, and been roadblocked by yes and no one-word answers? When I first started it was the most frustrating thing I dealt with. You’ve made fantastic points, and you drove your message hard, so how come the prospect replies with a universal conversation killer? The one-word response?
Simple, your questions were too complicated. When you present someone with a complicated situation, they are going to give you the simplest answer they can. And while that may very well have answered your question, it didn’t give you anything to follow up with to keep the conversation going any longer. Open-ended questions allow you to get the person you are speaking with to provide you with information that will help you guide the conversation and enjoy your time with it.
This skill does inherently build on the previously discussed skills of listening rather than talking, and avoiding your tendency to preach, but it will fundamentally change how people will talk to you, based on what you ask them. When we look at this from a perspective of political outreach, or even sales, the idea is that you don’t want to tell the prospect why you’re right, you want to get them to come to that conclusion on their own by following a logical progression. We can do this by building on what was previously said and asking simple questions that get complex answers. Ask them “What was it Like?” or “How did it feel?” and let them describe to you the situation, rather than explaining it to them.
When someone is guided rather than taught, then the inevitable conclusion is self-realization rather than a confrontation. Yes, we want to challenge their ideals and preconceptions, but before they can embrace ours, they must first question their own. The most control you will ever have in a conversation is when you ask a simple question, and the other person has to pause to think about how to respond to it. While they are busy thinking about how to answer you, they are questioning whether or not their opinion holds. And let's be honest, it will be far more interesting of a response than a simple “yes” or “no” that gives you nothing to build on.
Step 5: Don’t get Sidetracked
We’ve all been there sitting with a friend and having a great conversation and then we remember something funny that happened last week and we just have to share it. Don’t. It doesn’t matter how great or interesting your story is, don’t interrupt someone else. And even worse, when someone else is speaking, don’t wait around impatiently for them to finish just so you can change the subject.
An interjection isn’t a bad thing in its own right. You can interject if you’re short, don’t derail the speaker, and help reinforce the point of the person talking. But don’t forget to listen, and give others the space to tell their story. But when we move a conversation off track to relate our anecdote, without responding to what was said, it signals to others that we either weren’t listening or didn’t care about what they had to say. When you lose the trust of the person you are talking to, you have lost the conversation and are no longer on equal footing.
Focus on what's being said, and when thoughts come into your mind, let them just as freely leave your mind. Remember, we are listening not to respond, but to understand. And if we focus on our contribution, then we can’t fully understand the points of others.
Step 6: Know What You Don’t Know
If a conversation is exceeding your knowledge base, then don’t pretend to be the expert. Acknowledge the limits of your expertise and relinquish the question to further investigation. There is nothing worse than losing your credibility because you try to bluff your way through an argument of fact. However, an admission of not knowing is often more endearing than having the right answer off-hand.
There is an anecdote from my time in the Army that always stuck with me in this matter. A young soldier was going before a promotion board where he was to be drilled relentlessly with all manner of questions regarding military history, customs and traditions, and job-based knowledge. While preparing and studying for this board, our seniors drilled into us that confidence was more important than being right and that if you were unsure, just answer with confidence even if you were wrong. However, one soldier didn’t do that. He paused, faltered, and then answered “I apologize sir, but I do not know the answer at this time, however, I shall research it and return with the answer as soon as possible.” Later that day when those officers were leaving the boardroom, that young soldier was waiting, for the answer to the question he didn’t know previously. He was promoted that month and I wasn’t.
Honesty will always be your best policy when dealing with difficult situations. If you don’t know something, simply say that you don’t know it. Being caught in a lie will destroy the trust, and the cohesion of the conversation you are trying to have. And when you are trying to convince someone to join your cause, the last thing you want is to look stupid.
Step 7: You Already Said That
Repetition is great for memorization, but it kills a conversation. Frankly, it’s boring. Repeating a point you’ve already made gives the impression that you aren’t focused on the shared aspect of the conversation, and simply want to drive your point home as deep as possible. Seriously, how self-centered do you have to be to forget what you already said?
It doesn’t matter how many times you rephrase it, if you’re making the same point, they get that, and will generally feel as if you’re talking down to them after hearing it so many times. A conversation is a back and forth, exchange, and evolution of ideas. When you constantly repeat yourself, you aren’t having a conversation anymore but are setting yourself up to argue. And no matter what you think on Facebook threads, no one ever wins an argument.
Often people ask why repetition is so harmful to conversations. And while I’m no child psychologist, I have noticed a trend in parenting where we will use repetition to teach and train children on proper conduct and to temper their actions. Perhaps, there is something to the notion that constantly repeating yourself has a negative connotation where people feel they are being talked down to as a child would be. But just because you feel that you have a point to make, that doesn’t necessarily mean repetition is the right way to make it.
Step 8: The Details Don’t Matter
You know all those minute details you drag up to draw out your point and make it more impactful? Well, in reality, no one cares about them. When you’re having a conversation with someone, what they are interested in is you and what you have to say.
When you spend too much time qualifying the points you've made by spouting what amounts to trivia, the point itself is lost in the drivel. Now, this isn't to say that you shouldn’t include any facts to support your argument, but you need to know which ones suit the conversation, and which ones are just there to prove that you’re the smartest person in the room, which by the way, you aren’t.
So remember this when you’re about to spout that name, date, or other trivial detail where it might not be needed. Adding details to a conversation is only worthwhile if they serve to better the understanding of your listener, as opposed to your peace of mind. Be succinct, be clear, be thorough, but never over-educate.
Step 9: Your Experiences Aren’t The Same
People complain, it’s what they do. Whenever you’re talking to someone, whether having a serious conversation or just a passing quip, there is a chance that there is something they have to complain about. Now, sometimes the complaints are just for the sake of complaining, but usually, they’ll relate an experience that left a negative impact on them.
I’m going to be extraordinarily blunt on this one. Their experience is different than yours, and nothing that has happened to you is equal to or the same as what happened to them. When they talk about having a bad day at work, you do not tell them how much you hate your job. If they just lost a family member, do not talk about a recent loss of your own.
By equating their experiences with your own, you are not building rapport or finding common ground. Quite the opposite, you are minimizing their experiences and denying them the importance of their individual experiences. There are many ways to use conversation to build rapport, and this is quite possibly one of the most dismissive and hurtful attempts at it possible. Even when you experience an event with someone, and it’s a shared experience, the impact of that experience can vary greatly between individuals. So what’s most important to remember here when it comes to conversational impact - it’s not about you.
Step 10: Brevity
Of all the steps I’ve mentioned so far, this one may be the most important. Keep things short, brief, concise, and to the point. A great conversation doesn’t drone on. You can say a lot in a brief time, especially if you listen and understand where others are coming from. If you drag it out too long, interest will fade, and the opportunity presented will be wasted. Leave people with your ideas fresh in their heads, and not overwhelmed. If you’ve conveyed your points accurately and appropriately, you will get another shot, at another conversation, when they come back to you. Know when it’s appropriate to end the conversation.
Now What?
So far we’ve discussed 10 steps to improve a single aspect of our outreach, our conversational skills. We went over a lot, and these aren’t the easiest changes to make. But they aren’t just applicable in political outreach. These steps can help improve the conversations you have in your everyday life.
Now, what I want you to do now is pick one of these steps. It doesn’t matter which one, and make that change right away. And when you see an improvement in your everyday conversational enjoyment, start adding pieces to the puzzle. Now we aren’t done by a long shot, we haven’t discussed sales tactics or how to sell your ideas, but the ability to have a conversation is paramount before you can start directing the nature and content of those conversations.
Start with your family dinner, put the phones away, and listen to each other. Understand how everyone felt about their day. Avoid changing the subject. And avoid hostile and controlling communication styles.
But above all, enjoy the conversations you’re having.
Become a member to read the next installment in “Selling Liberty”
Selling Liberty: Communicating Freedom in an Unfree World
For more tips on how to effectively sell your ideas of Liberty to others, head on over to Amazon today to pick up a copy of “Selling Liberty: Communicating Freedom in an Unfree World”
Subversive #81: “10 Steps To Having A Better Conversation”
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Summary
In an age of social media replacing personal connection, the art of conversation has been lost to an entire generation. Political activists, salespeople, and anyone who cares to learn can benefit from these 10 simple steps to having a better conversation.
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